This time last year, my world fell apart. I spent so long thinking I wasn't a good mom or wife. Spent so many nights wondering what the hell I was doing. With an email and an admission, my husband became my enemy. He lied, he thought of cheating, he drank and well he made me feel like I wasn't a good wife or mom.
It is now humorous, when I finally CAGE questioned him he asked me how I didn't notice. I didn't notice because he had mentally and physically checked out. So had I. I was too busy worrying about being a good mom and getting the fuck out of my grad school.
I completed my masters with a 3.9 GPA and glowing recommendations from all my clinical preceptors. I wrote a paper accepted by a journal. I became board-certified and passed my certifying exam in the 90th percentile. Yet, they wanted to kick me out and almost did. The stupidity of the matter is, I switched clinical placement twice because the first doctor had his DEA license revoked (couldn't write prescriptions) and the second was retiring in a matter of weeks. Neither my fault, neither allowed under their rules.
To round out the summer, our house we built was infected with all sorts of fun molds that made the house a danger to our health and unlivable. This house where my newborn learned to sit, crawl, and walk. This house where my mother battling ovarian cancer came for chemo. This house could have killed my mother easily and caused permanent damage to my son's lungs, GI and nervous system.
Fuck that house. Fuck the lies forged in it. Fuck the pain. Fuck the humiliation.
I am not a whiner. I don't emote well to others. Most of the time I am to fucking busy taking care of others to take care of myself. Maybe it is how I cope. Maybe I am codependent. Maybe I am a sucker.
All I know is it makes me bitter and angry at the inherent stupidity of most.
Part of being a great nurse and a fledgling nurse practitioner is reading the intentions of people and anticipating their actions. I do this really well. In a form of stereotyping I can also guarantee I understand you before you say a word. It also makes me numb and sad that others cannot do the same for me.
Once again, I clam up too often. I am highly aloof. I am also highly judgmental.
I judge based on sound reason and reproducible circumstances. I don't take the written word at face value. I can't. It isn't scientific. Those websites we read and post, those are meant to sway your opinion and make you fail to see every angle and minute detail. They are meant to make money. Just remember Huffington Post was created by a socialite akin to Paris Hilton.
It has been a year now, and my husband and I have begun a new relationship. It is still a work in progress but the laughter is back. The fun is back. This makes me know I have one champion in my corner.
Make that two. I know I am a good mommy.
I have a opportunity to pursue a career that I cannot in Charleston. The "good-ole boy" mentality of nursing in Charleston is outdated, rude, and not the place I want to be. I am unconventional but creative and will be really, really good at my job. How do I know this? From working, from clinical, and because I care about making people feel better.
I care too much sometimes. I am the RN/FNP-C that goes to funerals, that brings your family pizza, and will exhaust all opportunities to educate you, empower you, and make you smile. I'm really awkward and will drop my stethoscope but I won't miss that dropped heart beat when I listen.
Please allow me to be grumpy. Please ask me how my mom is doing. Please anticipate my needs sometimes. And please realize I don't really care about your "boy" problems. I had shit handed to me on a platter with "boy" stuff. I made it through, you can to.
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