When is a house just stuff?

Long time no blog. Not that my words matter to anyone else besides me. I don't blog for people to read, I blog for catharsis and emotion. I blog so I don't scream and so I sleep.

Needless to say, I feel like screaming and could use a good night's sleep.

Our house, Moldemort, 1126 Brody, it goes by many names now but the only thing it isn't is a home. It smells like Conor the day he came home from the hospital. It smells like the day he took his first step. It smells like visitors, and memories. It smells like Tubby.

Yet it also smells of deceit, lies, hopelessness and frustration. It smells of poor planning and even worse construction. It smells like we were taken advantage of. It smells of death and mold.

I can't emote over our house. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to punch and get revenge. I want my son's little blue room with airplane decals to be filled with books, toys, and laughter. I want his fish to be alive, and not in the big fish bowl in the sky.

I want my books, pictures, and blankets. Those are my security and my happiness. Right now it "isn't just stuff". It is something bought for Conor, something made for our family. It is a memory and hours of hard earned money. It is our savings that ins't growing, it is our life that is stagnate.

This stagnation smells of bitter anguish and mold. We are trying to start our lives, trying to save for a rainy day and provide for Conor. We have given him confusion and what we can. We have done everything to make him happy.

He is happy. He is well adjusted. But his room sits empty, his fish dead, and his yard overrun with weeds. He hasn't played in his sand box, his red wagon sits empty waiting for a walk.

I wish I could cry, wish I could get it out of me, but I am beyond emotion for the card we have been dealt.

It isn't just stuff. It is OUR stuff. Yes, we can buy new, but we shouldn't have to. We shouldn't have to spend and spend and spend on a sinking hole. We shouldn't keep losing our possessions.

Stephen found mold in our furniture. We will more than likely need to buy new furniture for each and every room in the house. New couches, loveseats, bookshelves, dining table, side table, end tables, coffee tables, beds, mattresses, rugs, tv stand....the list goes on. Things we have collected from money we earned.

Maybe it would have been better to walk away with the clothes on our back...instead we hear Conor crying "we house" and see his room empty...