Feels like I'm losing my best friend

I think my mom is dying.

Not that "everyone dies some at an accelerated rate nonsense". No this is the I know to much because I am a healthcare professional and just want to be a supportive daughter dilemma.

I lost two patients this week. I didn't witness the last gasp of either, but I had cared for them multiple times. Both were amazing individuals, both had supportive wonderful families. I wish my mom had the supportive wonderful families.

It is so hard to be supportive. She is my best friend and my mom. For the longest time, all I had was her. During high school I hated myself and my school. I just wanted out. All I had was my mom, and all she did was make me smile and feel that things would get better.

I don't do that for her. I worry, and I research. Worry more. Research more. Question more. She is so secretive. She is so forgetful. She is hurting and weak.

I know her speech is delayed and aphasic. I know the signs of renal insufficiency without lab tests or other diagnostics. I know a liver that isn't functioning 100%. I know lungs that aren't getting enough oxygen.

I know fatigue.

I know nutritional deficiencies.

I don't want to know those things. I don't want to know the reliability of CA-125 tests, or how to read a CT scan. I don't want to know what Cr and BUN stand for and what elevated levels mean.

At least not for my mom. I need to know those for my patients. But not my mom.

I've crossed the line. Dreamt of signing the DNR. I'm not ready for this.

I hope she is.