Game..well job...statistics

So I kind of, in a backhanded way have an NP job.

Still not sure what the job entails, or if I will ever get to see a patient again, but it comes with two high points: helping out a group of women devastated by the loss of two coworkers, and a killer reference from the father of American ERCP.

...ERCP is endoscopic retrograde cholangiopancreatography...an endoscopic procedure used to visualize the common bile duct, pancreatic ducts, and used to treat biliary dyskinesia, sphincter of Oddi dysfunction, and pancreatic outlet dysfunction that cause pain, N/V, and pancreatitis...

It is an interesting group of patients. We are the specialists; we see, do this procedure, then send back to the referring provider. But, people try to beat the system and my job is to answer those phone calls.

Here is a short list of things I have learned from these phone calls:

1. 95% of patients start off with saying this is life or death. Please don't say this to a healthcare provider, we will only tell you to hang up the phone and call 911.
2. The most popular ring-back tone (that music while you wait to answer) is rap and usually uncensored rap as well.
3. Creon is a witch to prescribe. Creon is pancreatic enzymes used as an adjunct similar to vitamins, to help replace a shortage. It is expensive, not a common drug, and Medicaid makes it tricky to prescribe.
4. If people don't get you on the first time, or get what they want the first time, they will continuously call you and then bad mouth you as much as possible.
5. Nausea is not vomiting. Vomiting is not reflux. And please don't describe your bowel movements as "sheets of diarrhea".

I try to make light of these phone calls, but they are painful and frustrating. I want to help people, but holy moly it's impossible to.

I think I am 0-14 (days worked) on this job, but once again killer resume and I now know how to prescribe Creon...so maybe Lauren 1 Job 14.