Lithium

I'm so lonely. And that's OK.
I shaved my head. And I'm not sad, and just maybe
I'm to blame for all I've heard. And I'm not sure.
I'm so excited. I can't wait to meet you there.
And I don't care. I'm so horny. But that's OK. My will is good.
- Nirvana -

I am tired of being bipolar. I don't think I am bipolar. I don't like lithium. I am on my max out dose and am feeling no changes. I am labile in affect, altered in emotions, and on the verge of a massive panic attack/anger freak out at any second. I don't like it.

Spoken like a true bipolar patient.

I am tired of vascillating between hypomanic happiness and crushing depression. I have had situational depression before and was well controlled on an SSRI. Things got better, I went back to normal and life was grand. The way I feel right now is a whole new beast.

I think the lithium has minor efficacy. I am on BID dosing (twice daily) and I feel leveled for 2-3 hours after dosing. Then I get fatigued, then I get muscle weakness, and then I get numbingly depressed. Even though I labeled it "hypomanic happiness" I think it is merely the lithium wearing off. I get a surge of energy, want to go-go-go, and want to live and enjoy the day.

This is exhausting. Yet, I can't sleep.

This is really wearing on my ability to fix my relationship with Stephen, be a good mom to Conor, and appropriately manage my money, house, and time. I feel like I am adrift on the Bering Sea in 60 knot winds (I am watching Deadliest Catch currently).

I don't think I am bipolar. I think I am depressed

I know that depression isn't a normal reaction, but I think my body is depleted or norepinephrine and serotonin. I think I need an SSNRI and sleep. I think I need someone to talk to, but I don't know how to talk about myself without sounding foolish.

I want a kiss from my baby. He's asleep though.

I just want to be this girl again.