"Girl's Not Grey"

I have never been one for forgiveness. Tolerance, yes. Understanding, sure why not. Forgiveness to me feels like a failure of will and an embarrassment to self. I guess I should have been an elephant, because the never forget.

I have a very good memory, it is a blessing and curse. A blessing because it makes me intelligent and good in school, a curse because I can remember things most people forgive and forget. I hold on to these memories because I feel ashamed a slight to my character occurred. Yet, it makes me bitter and difficult to friend.

It isn't I am afraid "to let people in" or to "let them know the real Lauren" (horrible, awful cliches left for the vapid scenester to say as they mount their tragically used bike in pants cutting of vital circulation to sexual organs). I have a level of self preservation because I think most are unworthy or stupid. I can see the ulterior motives of others, their plans, and what happens in the future. Almost ESP but not quite. It makes them uninteresting and "fake".

Those I do friend are ones I cannot figure out. Which is why I chose the sorority I did, why I have the friends I do, and why I chose Stephen.

This inability to control and see has lead to heartache and a decision in my court. Every decision in my life has been easy. I plan, think, and know and 99.8% of the time it comes out just like I expect. This time, I have no idea what will happen. In fact, I don't even want to imagine the future right now.

Perhaps it is still to painful...

Perhaps I realize my lack of insight, tolerance, and forgiveness...

Perhaps I need a cookie...

All I know is I have friends, which is amazing. I have never been weak and am always there with support. This time, I need it deeply. Yet, no matter what I have to do what is right for CONOR and maybe not necessarily for my fragile esteem or heart.

I must be vulnerable and forgiving, something I have never done. If I don't do this, nothing will change, everything will fail, and I will remain bitter and pathetically inane.